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09 May 2009 @ 07:49 pm

to the girls who talk the shit, but don't have the guts to actually bring it up with me:

if you have a fucking problem with me, how bout you bring it up with me? honestly, it's completely childish to just stop talking to someone, but continue to talk about them, when you had absolutely no fucking reason to just end the friendship. do you realize how much that absolutely fucking SUCKED? being shut out of your best friends life is a horrible, horrible feeling, and honestly I hope you never have to endure that. I will state for the fucking record, I DO NOT TALK SHIT ABOUT YOU. If people ask me about you, I just laugh and say yeah i don't know what happened with her. She just stopped talking to me. AND THEN I CHANGE THE SUBJECT BECAUSE I DON'T EVEN HATE YOU ENOUGH TO TALK THE AMOUNT OF SHIT THAT YOU DO ABOUT ME.
You were a better person when you weren't just a carbon copy of those around you. I enjoyed your company thoroughly, and I hope you did too. Who knows though? Apparently there was always another side of the story that I didn't have the honor of hearing, BECAUSE YOU DON'T AND WON'T EVER HAVE THE BALLS TO BRING IT UP WITH ME.
Seriously, you wanna be treated like a big tough punk rock girl? How bout you fucking act like one and say what's on your mind? That's a step in the right direction. You can argue that what I'm doing (posting this shit in lj) is childish, but hey how the fuck else am i supposed to grab your attention? You've deleted me out of your life, and I think that's really, really sad.

and seriously, in this situation, YOU are the cunt. Not me, but you.

to the girls who think I'm a bad influence:

Straight up, fuck you. You don't know me, you never have and you will never, ever have the fucking chance to. Don't believe everything you hear, because chances are its NOT TRUE. I'm sure you didn't enjoy rumors going around about you when you were in high school (as I'm sure they did, because who isn't gossiped about in high school?) so how about you show some fucking sympathy.

You think I'm a druggie? You think I'm a slut? Get off your fucking high-horse and smoke a joint once in a while. Maybe it'll help dissolve the stick that shoved up your ass. You probably don't like it when people you don't know talk shit about you, so how bout you just do the same for me? Seriously. You do not know me. Your friends do not know me. Your boyfriend does not know me. None of you fucking know me for the amazing person that I am, and if you all can't see that, you can choke on a dick.

/endrant.

for the fucking record, i'm not pissed. i'm just fed up, and kind of disappointed in your ability to be a good friend. You are and probably always will be an awful friend, until you sort out your own problems. Your insecurities are showing darling, and they're not nearly as pretty as you.

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12 March 2009 @ 07:21 pm

so, i have a new life plan. this isn't a dream, its my future. I'm going to make a name for myself with my photography. I already have the title for the show "Art is so much better under the influence"
To everyone who reads this but never talks to me: I am so much more than a stoner. I am so much more than this livejournal. I am so much more than anything I've ever been before, and tthe happiness i've felt in the past week is something i've never felt before.
When you find you love, you'll understand. I'm going to be a photographer, and I know it. I have the eye, and I know it. This is my passion in life, and if you want to discuss life and philoshopy with me, feel free to find me.

outside.

in the real world.

and we can talk.

I'm discovering the true definition of closure. I'm forgiving myself, and I'm forgiving those who wronged me. This euphoria I've found isn't because I found god, or i "got over" my depression, I just have found my passion in life. My reason to get up in the morning, and live.
Its more than that though, its not like I'm just living for my camera. Its just that I've found the thing that creates happiness in my life, that I will and always have.

Ahjkdasbhdas i can't explain in livejournal.
if you want to discuss life, which i'm down to do all the time, come find me. we'll toke with dionysus and discuss.

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06 November 2008 @ 08:12 pm

So Mass decriminalized marijuana. That's a step towards legalizationnnnn! My buddy from Boston was telling me November 4th kids were riotting in the streets, everyone was so excited about proposition 2.

So, in other news, I hate being used for weed. A certain individual who will go unnamed called me up the other day, looking for "drugs". I was like, what the fuck? I'm not some human drug ATM. That pissed me off, especially because this individual hadn't fucking called me in so many, and randomly decides that I should hook them up with connects. Uh no sorry buddy I don't think thats happening.

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11 September 2008 @ 08:00 pm

jesus christ.
that was one of the worst experiences of my life as of yet.
Edith's wake was at 6, I went with Eric.
her funeral is tomorrow.

jesus.
its so unreal.

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10 September 2008 @ 07:03 pm

My friend Edith died last night. Her room caught on fire, and she had 85% of her body burned.

Shit.

I'm so numb.

I can't even think.

Rest In Peace, Edith Vargas.

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28 August 2008 @ 08:46 am

excuses aren't cute.

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26 August 2008 @ 09:39 am

okay. I am been quite passive about this, but I am done.

And normally, I am not one for lj-fights, but if I confronted you guys, YOU WOULD BRUSH IT OFF BECAUSE I HAVE TRIED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT BEFORE AND GOT NOWHERE.

I am fed up with my friends. My friends, who never call, who never answer when I call, who say "LETS HANG OUT!!!" and then are busy 24/7, who insist that they miss me if we're ever in a group situation but never call, who act like i'm not really there if we're with certain people.
Don't make half-plans with me, and then not answer your phone for hours because you decided hanging out with people who you practically live with are more entertaining/important than I.
I have no social life, because when I seek people out, no one answers their phone. If they do, they're with someone else, but I'm welcome to come!! No. I don't want to come, because I know you don't want there, or else you would've called me up originally. It hurts, do you realize that? It really fucking hurts. And honestly, I think you don't even think twice about it.
If somehow I manage to find a place in your busy schedule, we must invite other people because I'm not entertaining enough to hang out with. When other people do show up, its like oh charlotte who? and everything that comes out of your mouths are inside jokes that I'm not in on because I'm never invited to hang out.

if you don't want to hang out with me, don't make half-ass plans with me then ditch me.
Because it hurts, and it sucks, and its a shitty thing to do.

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06 July 2008 @ 12:05 am

okay so, my crazy exboyfriend Chris Humes (401-932-1858, please feel free to call. Or try this number, 401-331-0235 and ask for joey) is harrassing me. He's calling me from blocked numbers, or numbers I don't recognize, and getting his friends to yell obscene crap at me. (All the while, sitting in the background talking, as if I won't know who he is by his voice.)
We broke up several months ago, and I hadn't heard from him in awhile. All of a sudden, I start getting these weird calls from boys who keep asking me what sorto f panties I had on,how many boys I'd slept with, blah blah blah...and I don't know who it is at first. Then however, Chris' friend left a voicemail on my phone, and chris the fucking retard, yells something in the background. So, now instead of sinking to his level, and having people call him and tell him his dick is small, (which it is) I'm just posting his number all over the internet.

so feel free to call either number!!
:]

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03 July 2008 @ 03:55 pm

shit man
so baked.
toked with madd
damnnnn.

oh noesssss
dfashjkdfs.

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22 March 2008 @ 11:28 pm

i'm currently sitting with color stripper in my hair, its burning my neck
and i just sneezed literally five times.
yay?

Today I spent the day with Nate. It was nice. We cuddled and watched westerns, then got pizza. I made him drive me to a playground, where i spun around on a tire swing for like ten minutes, then he pushed me off of it, haha. Oh, its love.
I drove his truck around the parking lot after that, which was quite the adventure. It was the first time I'd ever been behind the wheel of a truck. It was a little intimidating. I was going like five miles per an hour, i think once i went like ten. It was a sort of pathetic.

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19 March 2008 @ 01:01 pm

so i'm off to a session with carla in likeeee twenty minutes or so.
then i'm meeting up with people, and we're going to a peace rally downtown.
it's raining and i don't care, i'm going out there and letting my voice be heard.

in other news:
fuck 16 year olds.
they're all so irritating, and dumb.
oh well.
i can't wait until high school is overr.

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17 March 2008 @ 06:28 pm

my life in a nutshell

i eat alotta goldfish
i try to play songs on my brothers guitar
can't wait till my shoes come
and my parents are happy that i'm taking up an instrument
my birthday was last saturday, i spent it in the hospital
that was no fun.
i bought some blue and black zebra striped gloves that are fleecedlined today
i am in love with a boy named nate
we're going to his prom onnnn april 11th
i've stopped getting stoned all the time
i'm doing so much better in school
the state might pay for me to go to school one, ill find out in april
i drink alot of juice
and wear nikes alot
i want to see the vagina monologues, and have been reading alot lately
i love reading
i love writing

life is good.

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11 March 2008 @ 07:50 pm

so it was revealed to me today that my brother, Nick, is learning how to crump.

I AM SO JEALOUS.

SOMEONE START A DANCE CREW WITH ME AND WE CAN CHALLENGE PEOPLE ON THE STREET TO DANCE OFFS!!!

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11 March 2008 @ 05:50 pm

so chris' mom just called me
hasn't seen him in a couple days.
his phones at home, so she can't get ahold of him.

i haven't talked to him in a weekish, so i unfortunately had no news as to his whereabouts.
she sounded like she was about to cry.

i'm worried...

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03 March 2008 @ 05:59 pm

oh god.
oh fuck,
shit shit shit.

i'm scared.

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03 March 2008 @ 04:35 pm

“Love Letter”
Sylvia Plath

Not easy to state the change you made.
If I'm alive now, then I was dead,
Though, like a stone, unbothered by it,
Staying put according to habit.
You didn't just tow me an inch, no-
Nor leave me to set my small bald eye
Skyward again, without hope, of course,
Of apprehending blueness, or stars.

That wasn't it. I slept, say: a snake
Masked among black rocks as a black rock
In the white hiatus of winter-
Like my neighbors, taking no pleasure
In the million perfectly-chiseled
Cheeks alighting each moment to melt
My cheeks of basalt. They turned to tears,
Angels weeping over dull natures,

But didn't convince me. Those tears froze.
Each dead head had a visor of ice.
And I slept on like a bent finger.
The first thing I was was sheer air
And the locked drops rising in dew
Limpid as spirits. Many stones lay
Dense and expressionless round about.
I didn't know what to make of it.
I shone, mice-scaled, and unfolded
To pour myself out like a fluid
Among bird feet and the stems of plants.

I wasn't fooled. I knew you at once.
Tree and stone glittered, without shadows.
My finger-length grew lucent as glass.
I started to bud like a March twig:
An arm and a leg, and arm, a leg.
From stone to cloud, so I ascended.
Now I resemble a sort of god
Floating through the air in my soul-shift
Pure as a pane of ice. It's a gift.

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26 February 2008 @ 03:42 pm

I'm dropping out on the 10th of March.

I can't stand school anymore.
The Providence Center school is one of the worst places I have ever been to, and I most certainly do not belong there.
Over half of my classmates have some form of autism, and have extreme behavior problems.
Now, I DONT HAVE A BEHAVIOR PROBLEM. I don't act out in school to get attention, I don't fight everyone I meet, I'm a smart, good kid.
I do have some problems with depression, and anger, but I HAVE A THERAPIST FOR THAT. I'M ON MEDS FOR THAT.

I can control my anger when I'm in school. There has only been ONE instance of me ever acting out in school, and that happened this year.

Oh and did I mention that they lied to me about how long I'd have to be there?
I was led to believe that I'd only be at the Providence Center School for 45 days, and then I'd be able to go back to Hope. However, this is not the case. I have to stay there until at least September (mind you this goes through the summer too!) and even then, its not certain I can go back to Hope.

I'm so angry.

So, I'm going to drop out and get my GED, and then probably go to CCRI.

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26 February 2008 @ 02:57 pm

so chris' stepmom (her name is LaCresha) is gonna get fired, and may lose her license.

And I don't feel bad in the least. :]

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24 February 2008 @ 06:42 pm

so i'm pretty sure this is illegal but idk

Chris' stepmom works at RI Hospital, and she apparently let her husband, Chris' dad, look at my hospital records.
Now Chris isn't allowed to see me.

So, that makes me incrediably uncomfortable, knowing that any fucking nurse working at RI Hospital can look up my records and show them around to anyone they please. I'm pretty sure thats illegal, because I'm not currently being taken care of at RI Hospital, nor have I ever been there, and the records are supposed to be CONFIDENTIAL. last time I checked, CONFIDENTIAL meant your husband couldn't see them if you were a nurse at the hospital.

I'm really pissed off, and feel like my privacy has been violated.

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14 February 2008 @ 02:02 pm

so i have acid colored hair
and im in love with it

i don't have to ride the short bus, which is amazing.
My mom'll drop me off at school, then i can take the RIPTA where-ever afterschool.
if i leave the building, they won't try to stop me, I'll just have the cops waiting the second I walk out of hte door.

Pretty much, when I went on a tour of the building, it looked like a prison decorated to look like a daycare.
All the 10th graders laughed at me when I walked in the room to see what the classroom looked like.
I really wanted to shout PISS OFF YOU ALL TAKE THE SHORT BUS. I AM NOT THE WEIRD ONE IN THIS SITUATION.

but i didn't. I'll probably end up being more hostile towards everyone after this whole experience is over.

I also talked to my friend Amanda, who went there two years ago, and she said (and i quote) You're going THERE?!? I AM SO SORRY! THAT PLACE IS A HELLHOLE! They won't let you leave ever.

I'm excited!! ahhhaa no.

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